Short Back and Sides Read online

  Customer: Atten? Where’s that?

  Barber: No, no, she’s not in until ten!

  Yoko

  16 April 2009

  A customer I knew well was in for a haircut, and during the conversation I asked him where a mutual friend had been, as I hadn’t seen him for a long time.

  Both of the lads were in a band together for many years, and I’d been cutting their hair for a long time.

  Barber: So where’s Alan these days? It’s been a while since he’s been in.

  Customer: I haven’t seen him for a few weeks either. He’s got a new girlfriend. Seems serious too. We call her Yoko.

  Barber: Yoko? Why do you call her Yoko?

  Customer: She broke up the band.

  Financial crisis

  18 April 2009

  After the bank crash in September 2008 a customer remarked wittily: ‘When the tide goes out you can see whose trousers are down.’

  At the races

  19 April 2009

  Customer: A group of builders and developers who were at the Galway Races were overheard playing ‘Who Used to Be a Millionaire?’

  More financial crisis remarks

  20 April 2009

  A customer told me during a chat about the state of all things financial that ‘unfortunately, most of the builders and bankers weren’t in the tomorrow business.’

  Fake tan

  21 April 2009

  I had a Spanish student in for a haircut recently. He’d only been here a few days. When we were talking about his initial impressions of Ireland he asked me why so many of the women have orange skin!

  Bank policy

  22 April 2009

  Customer: The banks will give you an umbrella when the weather is good and take it back when it rains!

  Exam weather

  23 April 2009

  Customer: Well, it’s that time of year again, and as usual the weather is great! How is it that every year the sun comes out just before the Junior Cert and Leaving?

  Barber: You could put money on the sun coming out this time every year!

  Customer: Enjoy it while it lasts. I’m off to get some stuff for the barbecue before it’s all sold out. See you in a few weeks!

  Courtmacsherry

  24 April 2009

  A customer who was on holiday in Co. Cork was given a bumper sticker to advertise the area where he was staying. It read ‘Courtmacsherry—a quiet drinking village with a fishing problem.’

  The sweetest revenge

  26 April 2009

  There are times in the barber shop when someone will impart a pearl of wisdom born of their life’s experience. One customer told me in no uncertain terms that ‘if another man ever tries to run away with your wife or girlfriend the best revenge you can get is to let him.’

  Iraqi weather

  27 April 2009

  It was raining again, but as usual there were moments of sunshine in between.

  Customer: When will this Iraqi weather ever end!

  Barber: Iraqi weather? What do you mean?

  Customer: It’s the same day in and day out: Sunni and Shi’ite!

  You don’t know what a recession is!

  28 April 2009

  Young customer (a student): This recession is terrible. We can’t get away to work for the summer because there are no jobs anywhere, and I haven’t the money to go out and get smashed at the weekend. The summer is going to be tough. At least I’m not finished college this year.

  Barber: Yeah, it’s affecting everyone. It’s all I hear lately: recession, recession, recession . . .

  Older customer (in the next chair): You don’t know what you’re talking about. You haven’t lived through a recession. This is a privileged recession. You have so much compared with what it was like in the past, and no-one will go hungry. When I was young I had one pair of jeans, and I had to stay in on a Sunday morning while my mother washed them!

  Everyone just burst out laughing.

  How to catch a cold

  29 April 2009

  A customer was sniffling while I was cutting his hair. I brought him a box of tissues and left them beside him. The customer in the next chair having his hair done noticed and was watching.

  Barber: I see you have a touch of a cold there.

  Customer 1: Yes, I was out for a few drinks last night, and I woke up sneezing this morning.

  Customer 2 (in the next chair): Well, that’s what you get for drinking out of a damp glass!

  Frustrated tourist

  30 April 2009

  Customer (on holiday from America): Went down to Croke Park with the kids the other day, and it was gone!

  Barber: Gone? What do you mean, gone?

  Customer: There’s no park there: they’ve built a stadium on it.

  Male chauvinist

  1 May 2009

  Customer: Do you know that there’s only one thing worse than a male chauvinist pig?

  Barber: And what’s that?

  Customer: A woman who won’t do what she’s told!

  The mysterious case of the missing gnome

  2 May 2009

  There was a peculiar house in Rathfarnham, Co. Dublin, which was brightly painted and had, I think, salmon-coloured roof tiles. I heard many stories about that house—even that it had been sponsored by Dulux! It was known to many people for the number of gnomes in the front garden—there must have been fifty or more. One day while I was working away a customer told me about the house. I had seen it once or twice, so I knew it existed.

  Customer: Did you hear about the gnome house?

  Barber: No, what about it?

  Customer: Well, two sisters live there. They’re very proud of their gnomes, and they’d notice if one was missing, you see?

  Barber: Okay.

  Customer: Well, a few months ago, one of the gnomes disappeared! There was no sign of it anywhere, and the sisters thought maybe whoever took it would put it back. But weeks went by, and still no sign. Then, out of the blue, one morning they received a letter from Australia. They opened it, and it was a letter from the gnome telling them not to worry, that he was fine, just wanted a bit of a holiday, and he was enjoying Sydney and hoping they weren’t missing him too much. Also with the letter was a photo of the gnome, with Sydney Opera House in the background!

  A little while later another letter arrived, and then another, each containing a photo of the gnome in various well-known exotic locations. Well, the sisters didn’t know what it was at first, but after a while it seems to have been students travelling who took the gnome with them and who for a laugh were sending the photos and letters back.

  Anyway, the summer’s over now, and guess what: just the other morning the gnome was back in the garden!

  Barber: Back from his travels!

  This story later went out on the ‘Gerry Ryan Show’, and later a similar one appeared in ‘Coronation Street’.

  Next, please

  3 May 2009

  Customer: I need my hair cut badly.

  Barber: No problem, sir, I can cut it badly for you.

  Bail-out

  4 May 2009

  Customer: It’s nearly eight months since the Government bail-out. You know, I had a suitcase packed and a flight booked to get out of here that night, only I waited. And I wasn’t the only one—a lot of people in finance were ready to run!

  Barber: We almost had a total meltdown. So how come you waited?

  Customer: I was pacing the floor when my wife suggested I try to get some sleep and wait for the news that morning. I turned on the radio first thing, and it was announced in the headlines on ‘Morning Ireland’ that the Government was going to bail out the banks, and I couldn’t believe my ears!

  Barber: A close call!

  Karma man

  5 May 2009

  A customer who was visiting India got a taxi from the airport to the hotel where he was staying. The driver was friendly and spoke English.

  Customer: On the way to the hotel I told th
e driver to blow the horn at a car that made a dangerous swerve in front of us. ‘Oh, no, I can’t do that,’ he said. ‘Then someone will do it to me.’ I thought he was just fobbing me off, but as we drove on I noticed in the mayhem that is normal driving on the streets in India that no-one blew their horn, no-one flashed their lights in anger and no-one rolled their window down and shouted abuse at careless drivers who caused them to brake hard. In fact, it was the opposite: everywhere I looked I saw genuine smiling faces behind windscreens or on bicycles. It was a real culture shock. ‘It’s karma,’ the taxi-driver explained. ‘Have you heard of it?’ ‘Yes,’ I said, ‘we call it “what goes around comes around”.’

  Television licence crackdown

  6 May 2009

  Back in the eighties there was a television licence crackdown, as I’d imagine that there were very few licence-holders in those dark days in Ireland.

  Customer: I remember the TV licence inspectors had a white van with a radar-like attachment on the top of the roof that would drive around estates all through the summer months—back when we had real summers— and they were supposed to detect if you had a TV on in the house. The idea was that, if you had, they’d call to your door and ask to see your licence. It became known to everyone quite quickly, and the children playing outside would come running back to the house to tell you, and you’d switch the TV off until the van was gone. I remember a neighbour saying that when the children all came running you didn’t know if it was the ice-cream van or the TV licence men!

  Barber: I do remember hearing something like that before. It’s so funny. Imagine the boardroom meeting—coming up with the idea to use a van with the sci-fi radar on the roof.

  Customer: People are much too clever to fall for something like that now. But I imagine it had a lot of people running to the post office to get a licence back then.

  Travellers (redefined)

  7 May 2009

  Customer: A Traveller was standing outside his caravan one morning at the side of a busy motorway. He was explaining to his young son that the people in the cars were going to work in the city. ‘Some of them,’ he said, ‘have travelled miles. Maybe a two-hour commute each way, every day! They leave home early in the morning and get back very late at night. I’ve heard them say that they feel like they live in their cars!’ There was silence for a moment while the little boy thought. Then he turned to his father and asked him: ‘So why do they call us Travellers?’

  Brilliant.

  M50 mystery solved

  8 May 2009

  There has been a lot of speculation about the situation with the M50. Drivers have never seen anyone working on the new lanes. I drive by there myself regularly, and I don’t remember ever seeing anyone working or driving any of the many abandoned-looking construction vehicles. The only difference from day to day is that some of the lanes are closed or divided temporarily using traffic cones. Anyway, I was cutting someone’s hair the other day, and he explained the mystery . . .

  Customer (a little annoyed): I was stuck on the car park again. I left work ages ago.

  Barber: The car park?

  Customer: The M50!

  Barber: Very good! What’s going on? I never see anyone working there.

  Customer: It’s the cutbacks. I heard there’s only one lad working on it now.

  Barber: Only one? You’re joking. What does he do?

  Customer: He works nights, rearranging the traffic cones!

  Diverted funds

  9 May 2009

  I heard this many years ago. I was working close to the street where it happened, and many customers in the shop that week were talking about it.

  In College Green, Dublin, there’s a bank with a night safe outside, and this is where local businesses would lodge the day’s takings. But one particular week it was out of order, and a big notice displaying that message hung in an official-looking way from the safe. It also instructed those who wished to lodge money to ‘use the mobile safe in the van at the side of the road.’ And many did, lodging the money and walking away. I heard this happened for three nights, although I can’t say for sure.

  Then, when someone checked their account, the money wasn’t there. They called the bank and explained that they had followed all the instructions and had used the temporary safe in the van. ‘What temporary safe?’ was the shocking reply! Of course, there was nothing wrong with the real night-lodgement safe, and, alas, a lot of people were very skilfully conned.

  A lot of money was stolen. The van pulled up outside when the bank closed in the evening, and the ‘Out of order’ sign was hung on the real night-lodgement safe. Then all that had to be done was to wait until the lodgements were made and drive away with the haul! I always thought it was probably the cleverest robbery I’ve ever heard about.

  If I found a cure for baldness

  10 May 2009

  Customer: Whoever comes up with a cure for it will be a wealthy man. You wouldn’t have to worry about money again if you found a cure for baldness.

  Barber: Ah, I don’t think they’ll ever find a lotion that’ll grow hair on a boiled egg.

  Customer: And, if they did, sure you wouldn’t want to get a drop of it on your hands, or you’d be like a werewolf!

  Barber: Or, even worse, on her carpet!

  Compulsive gambler

  11 May 2009

  A customer told me this while he was getting his hair cut. Everyone heard what he was saying, and as I looked round the shop everyone was smiling and holding back the laughter.

  Customer: A friend of mine who buys lotto tickets all the time spends quite a lot of money every week. He has a bad habit, and he can’t stop. He’s always in the bookies, and he’s always on the poker machines in town. The lads would tell you he has a problem. Sure he can’t walk past a parking meter without putting money in it!

  Murphy’s Law

  12 May 2009

  Customer: I’m almost convinced there’s a plausible argument to make Murphy’s Law a proper, bona fide law of physics.

  Barber: The ‘what can go wrong will go wrong’ law?

  Customer: That’s the one. You know, everybody’s aware of it. I’ve seen children quote Murphy’s Law when a piece of toast falls on the floor buttered-side down.

  Barber: It’s universal, all right. You should get someone to write it as an equation or formula that you could present to the science boffins.

  Customer: Now that’s not a bad idea.

  Barber: If you get the Nobel Prize be sure to mention me!

  Thinking big

  13 May 2009

  Customer: Did you see the lotto is worth six million tonight?

  Barber: No, I didn’t. Six million! Sure if I won that I could open my own barber shop!

  First Indian manned space flight

  14 May 2009

  On the day of the first Indian manned space flight, in a bar in town an old man was served his pint by a foreigner. ‘Where’d you get him from?’ the oul’ lad asked the head barman. ‘Oh, he’s from India.’ The oul’ lad sat quiet for a moment, then out of the blue he shouts out to the Indian: ‘Hey, did you know one of your lads is in a rocket on the way to the moon just now?’

  It brought the house down.

  Waiter, there’s a ring in my soup

  15 May 2009

  A waiter who worked in town told me this story while I cut his hair one day:

  A young man, who intended to impress his girlfriend and propose to her, brought her to a very fancy restaurant in town. They were shown to their table, and herself was very impressed with the grandeur of the place. The waiter poured the wine as they decided what to order.

  They went with the soup to start, and the waiter had been asked earlier to put a diamond ring into the girl’s soup. The soup was served, and the young man was trying to keep a straight face at the thought of his true love finding a ring at the bottom of the bowl. But after taking a spoonful she suddenly had a terrifying look in her eyes and began to gasp, grabbing her th
roat and banging the table with her other hand. ‘Oh my God,’ said her boyfriend. ‘She’s choking.’

  The waiter, quickly realising what had happened, ran to the table and grabbed the damsel in distress— who was now standing up—and began to administer the Heimlich manoeuvre in front of the shocked diners. Indeed, she had swallowed the ring, and it had lodged in her throat; but the waiter was able to dislodge it. She was mortified and in tears. Not in form for sitting through a meal, the two left the restaurant.

  I wonder if they ever got married in the end.

  Trim his eyebrows

  16 May 2009

  A woman comes into the shop . . .

  Woman: My husband is on his way in, and I want you to trim his eyebrows. They’re terribly long. Don’t tell him, just cut them, and please don’t tell him I was in here asking, or he’ll be embarrassed.

  Barber: Okay, don’t worry. We can do that.

  Woman: Oh, thanks.

  And she left. Over the next few minutes, about three customers came in and sat down.

  Customer: (whose hair I was cutting): You’ll just have to cut everyone’s eyebrows now!

  Barber: Can you imagine? They’ll all be saying to themselves, ‘I’m never going back there again. They cut my eyebrows without even asking!’